Happy Saturday Morning peeps!! I’ve just been struck with an eye opening dawning. So bear with me; I have no idea in what direction this post will go.
Today I was just hanging out in bed relaxing and enjoying my leisurely Saturday morning routine. I decided I was going to make me a Bitmoji account. If you don’t know what that is its an app where you can create a cartoon version of yourself. I’ve had one before, but I’ve just now realized that my cartoon has never been authentic, dare I say honest.
To those that are new to my world, I have ALWAYS struggled with self esteem, self love, my worthiness as a human being. I could probably go into the inner reasons why I have always felt this way about myself, but that is something too deep to discuss at this time.
My entire adult life has consisted of me getting in shape, losing weight, and feeling comfortable in my own skin. Obviously I know exactly what I need to do to lose the weight; I’ve done it time and time again. I know all about getting into shape. Been there. But I know nothing about feeling comfortable in my own skin, let alone loving myself just the way I am. I struggle to understand that about myself. I have a wonderful, loving, supporting husband. He is the only person in the entire world that has ever made me feel desirable. Loveable and safe. He is so good to me. He knows how I feel and tries his best to make me see what he sees when he looks at me. I just can’t. I don’t know how. I feel like it is so impossible. But it shouldn’t be. It should be easy to see the loving, caring, nurturing, loyal person I am. But it’s not.
I’ve dedicated the year 2019 as the year that I will practice all things self love. No matter how small or how big that gesture might be. Some days will be harder than others. The choices I make will be a factor in that.
As I got to the part of the app where I had to pick my body type, I began to regret my idea. There was only one overweight blob looking body type to pick from. When I saw it I instantly clicked on it. Why? Because that is the way I will always see myself regardless of how much weight I lose or how “fit” I get. I hated what I say on this screen. Sooooo I sent a message to one of my peoples. She is wonderful at being honest with me and telling me exactly what I need to hear. Even if I don’t want to hear it. I explained to her that I was making a new one, and asked her if I should pick the body type that I actually am or the one that I wish I was. Her initial response said it all, ” Always best to be the way you are. ♥” It was that simple, yet I went back and forth with her about how it looked like a blob and such. Then it just HIT me!! How am I ever going to learn to love me for me if I never face it. I didn’t want to pick that type because I knew every time I looked at that over weight cartoon it was going to make me feel bad. But you know what? SO WHAT??? So what if I look like a blob, at least I’m being real!! I have always prided myself in being real. What you see is what you get. If you like me then you like me, if you don’t then B Y E!
So needless to say I picked the “blob” body type. And i’m so completely ok with that. I’m ok with learning to love myself. Loving every rounded square inch of me. I mean my God, my husband, my family and my people do so why not me?
Did I say all of this to say that it was ok to let myself go? NO!! I said it all to say it’s ok to LOVE myself. Even if i’m not skinny and even if I never feel that way. I deserve to be loved by me. It’s just going to take lots of practice. Be Blessed!!!