Last week was not a good week for me. It will do no good for me to go into any details of why it really sucked so bad. My only hope is to look forward to this new week as a clean horizon of goodness; a new month of thankfulness. I did learn a few things during my week spent in oppression.
I think back to some years ago before I knew depression. No, I take that back, I did know depression during these days, but I didn’t realize that was what was going on. I guess I just assumed the way I felt was normal and I would just have to learn how to deal with it.
My very best friend of many years was going through some things. Things that I felt as her best friend that she should have shared with me so that she wouldn’t have to carry her burdens alone. I was so hurt when I found out that she had been going through these things silently all alone. I felt like she didn’t love or trust me enough to share with me what she was thinking or how she was feeling. I understand now though, that when you are in that state of mind, you physically do not have the strength to reach out. It can be so exhausting to begin to explain feelings and thoughts that you don’t understand. Emotions are so tricky and can lead you to extreme isolation if you are not careful. Those were some dark, lonely days for both of us. The only thing I knew to do was to keep her prayed up and to randomly let her know that I would be there when and if she was ready to talk. To this day when I think about her, I will shoot her a text and will not expect a response. And that’s ok. Years later she told me that in her darkest days one of the things that kept her going were the irregular messages from me just letting her know that I loved her and was praying for her. Right now I need that in my life. There are days that I only have enough energy to get myself and Piper up and ready for work and daycare. Go through my day and get back home in time to crawl back into bed. My house is a complete despondent time bomb ready to go off. I feel so ashamed of the state in which I have allowed it to get into. Yet I don’t have the strength to conquer the mountain. Instead I keep myself busy and avoid it at all cost.
Although I have shared some writings on here about my battle with my mental illness before, I have not been very open with those people that I know in real life. I don’t like for things to be awkward, and I surely don’t like to be a burden to anyone. There are only a few select people that really know details about my warfare. I feel that today that needs to change though. I’m sure there are others out there just like me that deal with things and can’t talk about them because of fear for different reasons.
Here are some encouraging words of wisdom I received this week from people that mean the world to me. I hope it brings someone else some peace.
Depression is kind of like cancer, it doesn’t care how awesome your life is. It attacks and weakens you to the point of not being able to fully recognize what you have. Today just find a few mins alone and pray or listen to a Jesus son or message. Connect yourself back to your maker for a moment, recenter. HJG
Depression isn’t a reaction to something happening in your life. It’s a chemical disposition happening in your brain. There doesn’t need to be a “reason” you are feeling depressed. It’s just something that happens and we have to learn to manage it. Someone who’s never been through it can’t understand that there is not always a WHY to what you are feeling. It can’t be explained, and that’s ok. KEG
If you are reading this and have made it this far, I say all of this to say, I am here if you need an ear. I don’t have the answers you probably need but I know how therapeutic it can be just to get things off your chest without fear of judgement. If we follow each other on WordPress or Facebook there is a reason. Please feel free to reach out to me. Tomorrow is a new and beautiful day. Be blessed!!!